It is my desire to share with all of you the truth. The truth is, I am gladly in love with the Creator of the Universe. But, I have not always been. When I was fifteen years old, I got in a fight with my mom and lived with a friend. Living with this friend caused me to be a constant church goer. Church going started when I was thirteen, but it did not lead to a relationship. Going to church simply meant I sang one night a week, visited with other youth on Wednesdays, and doodled in the pews on Sundays. When I started going to services, it was in order to please my mom. My stepdad said that if we had relationships with Christ then my mom would come back home, because she had moved to Alabama. What I did not know was that a relationship with Christ was not attending sermons and singing, it was an actual relationship.
So, at fifteen, I started attending Government Street Baptist Church. My mom and I were restored a month or two before my sixteenth birthday. After this restoration, I went to a Disciple Now weekend. At this weekend, I decided that I wanted to live for Christ. It seemed possible. My sixteenth birthday fell on a Sunday, so I got baptized then. This time, I was going to work extra hard and save myself from hell. Oddly enough, I fell one month after baptism. This guy at church began to show interest in me. He sent me sweet messages, hung out with me late at night, and always had his eyes on me. Unfortunately, this led to me falling for him. My falling for him led to me losing my purity. The girl that was innocent a month before was now opened up to a whole new world. She was now lying, sneaking out, and ashamed.
Eventually I realized that this was wrong. It took feeling used and mistreated to see it, but my eyes were opened. So, I cut off all ties with the guy. Refusing to talk to him was the easiest thing. The entire time, I did not tell anyone. But, I decided to let my best friend know. My best friend was trying to protect me, so she told my youth minister. My youth minister confronted me and I was furious. Anger continued as people from school somehow knew, my brother found out, and then my biological father who knew nothing else about me now knew I was not a virgin. How he found out, I have no idea. All I know is I was ashamed. My sin was exposed. Instead of leaving it, I ran harder into it.
Leaving the first guy only led to being with others. Hanging out with guys on the weekend became routine. I started to notice that I was the center of attention and enjoyed it. Spending time with boys led to drinking, drinking led drugs, drugs led to self destruction. By the time I was a senior in high school, I was living a life full of death. Everything I did was hidden. I snuck out, ran away, and eventually lived with people to make my life style of lies more convenient. Not staying at home helped me to avoid confrontation.
As the first semester of my senior year came to a close, I was hopeless. No one knew it but me. I was attempting suicide anytime that I had free, and I was abusing my body just to rid myself of the pain. I tried to quit the drinking, drugs, and self abuse but nothing worked. The more I tried, the deeper I fell. It was as if my life was so far from what I wanted it to be that I tried to cover it up with more sin. Before I knew it I was a thief, drug dealer, abuser, liar, and harming others throughout the whole experience.
One night, I went home to get some fresh air. While I was home, I took a shower. In the shower, I started praying. Even though I was high, I was seeking God. There was marijuana and self destructive pills in my system, yet I was calling out to the Living God. Fortunately, He heard me. After praying, everything came into place. The people that I had been spending my time getting high with moved to Japan, the other side of the world. So, everyone split up and started doing their own thing. God allowed me to escape my abusive life style, and have not desired drugs ever since.
My mindset was still that I had to work for my salvation. I did not understand grace. Before I knew it, I was falling back into sin with men. Any and every attractive guy, I felt like I needed to have. So, I did. Instead of sticking with my old friends, I pushed them away and started spending my time with people that did nothing to lift me up. On top of their influence, I began to encourage them to be worse than they were. Being treated badly by the guy that I was with, I started a pattern of sin with other guys behind his back. My goal was to make him jealous, which did not work. After a semester of occasional drinking, every night all-nighters, sneaking into places I shouldn't have been, sexual sin, failing several classes, and continuous thoughts of suicide, I called out to the Lord again.
Holy Spirit started moving. Before I knew it, I was reading the Bible and seeking truth. This time, I knew God was pursuing me. I knew that He no longer wanted to see me in my sin. He seemed so close, even though I was so far away. By His grace, friends were sent to me to encourage me and pray over my life. Soon enough, I was spending my time with these people that were Christ-lovers. Their love for Christ overflowed into love for me. It seemed surreal. They were the first people that I had ever met that were unashamed laid down lovers of God. It was beautiful. I wanted what they had. I wanted Holy Spirit to live in me.
In January, I was praying with my new friends. One of the guys prayed, "Holy Spirit come and fill us all from our head to our toes" and my body began to shake. I prayed, "God, no, do not embarrass me. What is happening? My is my body shaking?" Then suddenly, my mind was calm and full of peace. I left that room wondering what happened. I all of a sudden felt free. When I got back to my dorm, I realized that my mind had been renewed. Everything that I had held so high before had suddenly been erased from my memory. It was fabulous. Some people say it was as if I was brain-washed, and although they were being negative, I remember thinking "If this is brainwashing, wash me more!" Because I knew that having a renewed mind from the Lord was exactly what I had always wanted.
After I was filled with the Holy Spirit, I began to seek God more and more. The more I looked, the more I found. It became obvious that He had been pursuing me all of my life. Day after day, He has taught me. He has guided, protected, purified, loved, and counseled me. From that day until now, He has been my everything. It has been a continuous purification process. Every moment, He has been pouring into me truths.
Something that I have learned is that you can ALWAYS receive from the Lord. He is near to us, because He is within us. In every situation, He wants to bring us closer to His heart. He uses His Word to renew my mind and keep me aware of the truth. He uses His people to encourage and build me up in Christ. He uses His Spirit to guide me every moment. Without Him, I was lost. My life was death. Now, I am alive. I have life and life abundant.
Jesus Christ is alive. Call out to Him and He will save you! He is the Only Way, the Only Truth, and the Only Life!!! :)
He is still moving today, right now. Are you seeking Him?
Choose life.
* I understand that this is exposing everything, but I am not ashamed of the power of Christ to save a dark sinner and turn her into a light for His kingdom * IT IS ONLY BY HIS POWERFUL HAND.
